Eight days ago my sister called to say that Mom had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Is it cancer? How serious is it? I left for home that night. Two days later she was admitted to the hospital at the University of Utah. Will she be leaving this place with us? Five days later she underwent an 8-hour surgery to remove the mass that had invaded her body. Did I hug her tight enough before they took her away? Now she is in ICU--where they won't allow all of us to be with her at one time and I don't even know what's in the 7 bags of fluid feeding her IV and she can barely open her eyes...and does she know how much I love her? I have been consumed with questions. Tonight I came back to Cedar City and everything seems so trivial. Even though this is my "reality" I would rather be sitting in a hospital room where I cannot avoid the solemnities of eternity. Over the past week I have become profoundly aware that the questions can really be summed up into one: Do I believe God? And all that that implies? A lifetime of learning about a loving, wise Heavenly Father who is doing all He can to get me back does not make me feel less vulnerable when I consider my answer...but it does make it easier to say yes. I do believe Him. I believe that trusting Him enough to embrace any of the possible outcomes is what He needed from me in the unknown hours this week. In return I get His Son.
The outcome has been gracious, but any outcome would have been...Mom is doing well, the tumor is benign, she will get to go home soon. I know that I waste energy on things that are not substantive, but the past days have been a poignant reminder of what is real. My soul somehow feels more quiet. And I am even more devoted to my family. I'm grateful for a God that requires us to ask questions...that is a God I can belong to.
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